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Humor Quotes
Virtues
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. Abraham Lincoln
The problem with people who have no vices is that you can be fairly sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Quality is like buying oats. If you want nice, clean oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you’re satisfied with oats that have already been through the horse, then that comes a little cheaper.
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
A conscience is the voice in the back of your head that tells you to listen to voice in the front of your head.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Men and Women
A woman uses intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.
Feminine power means being comfortable with ambiguity.
My boyfriend changed his name to Dwayne. It used to be Wayne, he just added the Duh…
Why is it that men nickname their genital? It’s because you wouldn’t want a complete stranger making the most important decisions of your life.
You see all these erectile dysfunction ads with warnings to call your doctor if you experience an erection over 4 hours long? Let me tell you something, if you have an erection for two hours, you’re not just calling your doctor, you’re calling everyone you know!
In the beginning, you fight because you don’t understand each other. In later years, you fight because you do.
I’m so miserable without you, it’s like having you around.
Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Assorted
Sue the inventor of the fork because you have a fat ass.
Self-delusion is pulling in your stomach when you step on the scale.
Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.
No one goes to that place anymore, it’s too crowded.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
To repeat what others have said, requires education; to challenge it, requires brains.
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
Hollywood
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. Marilyn Monroe
Comedy/Laughter
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it.
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
Laughter is by definition healthy.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
Muhammad Ali
I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Others
Winston Churchill, the former prime minister of England (a self-made success who came from the working class) once attended a dinner party of very upper crust British elite. And one woman, a wealthy, aristocratic snobbish matron, expressed her distaste for his common traits saying, “If I were married to you, I’d poison your tea.” To which Churchill immediately replied, “And if I were married to you, I’d drink it!”
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time – unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn. Thank you.
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